How to Persuade a Stranger to Do the Right Thing
by Andrew J. Lenza
A fire displaced us so we’re holed up at the beach. There’s something about a Northeast tourist town in winter. You see a shadow coming towards you in the dusk. Human or zombie?
I met John Doe a block away. I was admiring a new majestic Dutch Colonial built on the oceanfront.
“You think that’s nice?” John asked, accusing.
“What’s not to like? The detail, the stonework,” I defended.
“Too damn big. It blocks my view,” John complained.
“The property is worth too much to build an understated home,” I started to explain, “makes sense to maximize land value.”
“Well, I’m adding a second floor to my house too,” John boomed. I sensed a ghoulish brag coming on.
“What about the guy behind you?” I asked.
“What about him?”
“His view. Won’t your second floor and roof line impede his view of the water?” I posed.
“Um ... yeah, I guess so,” John admitted.
Right. John had the makings of a zombie; he was eyeing my jugular. I thought about throwing my beagle at him. Let him munch on fifteen year old whiskey-cured canine while I escaped.
When I worked on a Wall Street trading desk there was a gentleman named Bobby Dac. Bobby Dac kept a worn two by four under his desk. If management announced a new policy that Bobby felt was unfair to the common ranks, he’d pull out his thumping stick and beat his Bunker Ramo terminal.
“DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO. DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO.”
Soon the two hundred person desk was joining Bobby Dac, shouting his chorus. Banging on dot matrix printers. Memos came and went. I wrote my share. There were a few two-tiered decisions that allowed the executive team to grab another privilege. We're not losing our national consciousness willingly. It's being stolen from us by the fine print.
Someone would shout, “Bobby! Get the stick out.” Then the whole Lord-of-the-Flies chant would begin.
“DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO. DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO.”
Bobby was added to the management team. No one was brave enough to relieve him of the stick. The partners of the firm believed in Bobby. Intuition prevailed. Collectively we needed to heed the message of the stick or else we would lose sight of ourselves. We would lose each other.
Bobby possessed the Everyman’s voice of Fairness; exponentially more important than the Leader’s vision of Reason. Tis better to hear truth then 'see' logic. The management team would ask Bobby if a proposal would upset the majority. Would the stick come out?
Bobby Dac's stick reminds me of my blue collar father's approach to moving a heavy object. He'd grab an iron bar and "persuade" the load to shift. Leverage is wonderful so long as you're not on the receiving end.
The problem with John Doe’s other guy approach is the rotating dormer. One day you block the view. The next day you’re blocked.
A remedy for today's national crisis is to go down to the lumber yard and buy yourself a persuader, a hefty piece of lumber to keep under the desk. This way if John Doe doesn't hear your truth or see your logic, you can knock him upside his Bunker Ramo. Call me when that happens. I'll provide the chant and roasted beagle.
-- Andrew J. Lenza
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Apparently AR doesn't like your guest post...
How did you convince Lenza to let you post this here? It's always great to read his writing.
Splooshed it myself, Melina. Not my content. He told me to post it here because he misses you.
Cash on the barrell, Melina. Thanks, Paul ;)
"DNR" in the tags. That's cold, bro.
Hey Lenza! Can I borrow the beagle? I need to throw something. Best not to give me a stick right now.
Hi P :)
Thanks, guys.
He makes a better stick after six hours of rigor mortis. Give me until tomorrow, Elaine.
How'd that get in there? I meant, "Everyone grab a cattle prod."
The black clip is for my right nipple and the red for my left. Zzzzsssttttt. Clear! Zzzzssstttt.
Fool! That's going to cause a spark! The ground's gotta go on someone else's nipple. Not it.
Stuck at the shore - poor Lenza!
Lenza only likes me because I told him he looks buff in his photo since he started cooking with that special juice of his, courtesy of A-Rod.
DNR... classic!
Off to grab my hefty piece of lumber. I'll look forward to the call with the chant and roasted beagle. Who is going to bail me out when I stifle some poor chap comatose with my four-bagger?
Lenza's back (even if only for a graceful ghost appearance) YES!!!
(said in my best Marv Albert voice sans teeth on a hooker)
Jason, perhaps Jacoby & Meyers? ;)
Stewart, had that hooker spent some time on the Stairmaster Marv wouldn't have lost that pearly.
Damn. How did you suck all the juice off this blog?
Granted, Hemingway I'm not but I didn't think the piece was that bad. Thirteen comments? You and I account for half of them.
All those hijacks and you've squandered your magical unicorn dust. This is more like hijock.
No matter. I'll write another blog about a mythical fairy who can cure bow legs, whose beating wings sound like kisses from soft pufferfish who idle beneath the peeling bark of the capirona tree.
Then she wises up, moves to Kansas City and pulls tricks for slaughtermen.
I placed lojack on my blog. People kept trying to steal my sunshine. So it's back to the shadows with me and my content. Should have given it to Crouch, dude.
I eagerly await the upcoming post. It will no doubt inspire the masses to push the tally to 7.86 comments (I have weighted ours).
You're right. Who was I fooling? You and I aren't constructed for the goody goo yadda hippie do dah.
Like cavern fish thousands of feet beneath the sea, we have no use for eyes for we do not see the light. I think there's a Bernie Taupin lyric in there somewhere.
Back to the sulfur mines and the brimstone bricks. Bring the bottle.
Bring the shovel, too. If our schtick doesn't play in the States, we can see what the Chinese think.
Check your email.
Well Lenza when you leave the cult group what do expect?
Melina, Andrew went to sleep. This is his parasitic twin.
No, he's right, Melina. My blog is not what it used to be. Maybe it was never what it used to be in the first place. Where's my 12.6 billion from the Treasury? This blog is too big to fail.
I'll leave a comment but only 'cause I feel bad for Paul. :)
Breaking News:
The stimulus package was abandoned today on Capitol Hill after it was learned there was 12.6 Billion in 'Pork Funding' for an 'upstart little blog out of Arizona'
Bipartisan idiocy. I would have taken 12.2.
You are a saint, Beth.
We can send the mean girls to go and lobby for you...I'm sure there is some time for last minute manuvering room on this. Would you go for $1.99 instead...you know you have that "psychological edge" when you some in just under a number...
Whine whine whine.
Wine, wine, wine - that's better.
Throw in a pound of peanut brittle and you've got yourself a deal, Melina.
Hi Elaine :)
Hey P. There's a REBCPhx coming up. Interesting.
Hey Lenza - you need some desert sun.
No wonder he's choking - don't you know they recalled all of the peanuts?
Hi Lenza :) I knew you couldn't stay away forever.
hmmm now what would happen if andrew just picked his blog on here ...back up.....backed up his blog.......blogged up his back? hmmm? what was that all about......? i think i missed what caused the ex sigh it drama..........but sounds like the shadow still roams...:-)
Hey Andrew, you are missed, I know I tell you that all the time on facebook. Probably sick of my whinning.
I have a big stick under my desk and a prayer in my heart.
Wonderful as always! Andrew! Great stuff. Missed this. Oh, it's gravy.
I am behind in your posts Paul! Caught some of them over on facebook.