Hurry up and wait. Now wait a little longer.
You already know that the short sale process is prohibitive to all but the most resolute and patient buyer, but patience is a pre-requisite of pursuing that bank-owned property as well. You submit your offer, you wait a couple of business days, you are lobbed a non-binding verbal counteroffer or urged to throw out your original offer in favor of your "highest and best" shot.
Once you receive verbal confirmation that you are the winning bidder (that's right, you are often bidding for property again when it comes to the REO market), you wait a little while longer for the contract to return, fully executed by the bank representative. The listing agent is tired of his phone ringing off the hook about this property, so you feel moderately secure in your position. He already pended the thing in the MLS after all ... surely you can rest easy now. Right?
Not until it's signed, sealed and delivered, baby.
Now that the lister on the property I am chasing with a buyer right now is screening my calls, I've had to come up with a few diversions to keep my overactive imagination at bay. Be you a fellow agent tap dancing on the hot coals of the Real Estate underworld or a buyer just trying to understand why the offer you penned a week and a half ago is still in limbo, I offer the following avenues of endless entertainment:
- Drunken cartwheels - By day three you will be drinking heavily. It's the only thing that stills the twitch you have developed on the left side of your face. Nothing goes hand in hand with alcohol like gymnastics, so get cartwheeling! If you can make it to five without running into a wall or losing count, you need to drink a little bit more.
- Apply for federal bailout money - Banks, insurance agencies, automakers, bingo parlors, Joe the Plumber, Rod the Rocket Scientist, Hank the Tank, Barry the Bovine Intestinal Specialist ... all are jockeying for poll position at the federal teet. Your resume is as good as the next guy's, so figure out why your operation is "too big to fail" and make application. Be sure to include pictures and crayon diagrams so that it is easily understandable to the Department of the Treasury. Monosyllabically speaking, they like small words, too.
- Buy a resale property.
- Compile list of defunct loan programs - Actually, scratch this one. It would require a degree in advanced mathematics and a complete abandonment of hygiene to complete before the end of Obama's presidency. That's right, I said it.
- Create office pool for next bank to go under - This could also be extended to countries. I've got The First Bank of Azerbaijan in mine.
- Author 50,000 tweets about your cat, Mr. Fuzzynuzzles.
- Work on impersonation of Bobcat Goldwaith circa 1986's "Police Academy 3: Back in Training."
- Write stunning expose which details how Kabbalah is directly responsible for transforming female pop icons into overly muscled men
- Beat own face in with hammer
- Register listing agent's cell number with every lead generation service on the web. Can you hear me now? Good!
You can find great deals in bank properties, but you've gotta have a sense of humor or a Flowbee to pass the time.
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Paul, this is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh right before bedtime!
Hi Paul, If there wasn't so much truth in this, it really would be hysterically funny. As it is, just hysterical. :-)
I did particularly like the one and it does give one pause for a bit of revenge.
Register listing agent's cell number with every lead generation service on the web. Can you hear me now? Good!
Too funny! A great post Paul.
Oooh, can we add one more?
Write a new post for your AR blog. May as well "benefit" from some points highlighting the ridiculousness of it all...
Paul - Funny :) Other things to do while you wait: 1. Go on a very loooong vacation with no outside communication - don't worry you won't miss a thing. 2. Buy new things with the money you were going to spend as a down payment - such as a new car, boat, motorcycle. Hey maybe even a new construction (it may be ready before the short sale gets done). LOL ~Rita
Paul- Very funny! Loved the way you can take something frustrating and put a humorous spin on it!
I was going to get pregant and have a baby! Build a to be built home. Get a college degree. (Well it felt like it took that long!)
I think you hit the nail on the head with the bailout money, The banker is hoping for the bailout money and is spending all of his time barking up that tree when the hand that could feed him is right in front of him. This was fun to read, Thanks
Thanks for the humor. It is tough for all concerned while waiting for responses from the bank.
Brilliant!! Love the humor... We need to have a laugh from time to time.
Paul,
I bow once again to the master of sarcasm.....I am so glad that our market is not such that short sales are a very common occurrence.....(I would not use the hammer on myself.....enough said).
Very funny and clever! I do think you have hit most of the points that we go through on the emotional rollercoaster that is bank owned properties.
Ted
And AFTER you have a verbal acceptance for a buyer with a cash offer, hope your BUYER doesn't notice you a week before settlement that they have decided to obtain mortgage financing.
GEEZ. It's not hard enough dealing with banks. We have the above scenario as of yesterday.
I am laughing out loud, right here @ my computer first thing in the AM. Can you hear me??? Cuz' it's loud. Muy Chistoso!
We should have a meeting of real estate agents to share their experiences. Listing agents in one room, buyer's agents in another. I sure they would each have great tales to tell. Thanks for a good laugh today.
I am so glad I'm a loan officer, I'm so glad I'm a loan officer...
Sherry -- get pregnant and have a baby -- priceless!
Monosyllabilically? Really?
::pacay::
Paul,
Cartwheels are fun. I am waiting back on 3 accepted offers for this week, so I can get my clients loan papers moving. I have decided to take it easy and do as little as possible. :)
Lanette - Happy to oblige. This nonsense is intolerable otherwise.
William - Not bad revenge, eh? I think I'll forward the number to the Jerky Boys as well.
Lanette again - That was pretty much the case here, now that I've exhausted the other options, that is.
Rita - This past weekend, I was actually out of town. Lo and behold, I was the one trying to track the other guy down for updates. "REO" is no speedwagon, that's for sure.
Katerina - We'd all go nuts if we couldn't laugh this stuff off.
Sherry - Will you name your bouncing baby boy "Libor?" Maybe "Derivative?"
Randy - I do always have the distinct impression that said banks are waiting to see what is behind Door Number Two before proceeding with the bird in hand behind Door Number One. Well put.
Vickie - It's less stressful for the seasoned investor, but it is excruciating for the buyer looking to use the property for a primary residence. For us? Just part of this mad profession.
Timothy - That we do. Glad you found a chuckle here.
Julie - It is awfully tempting to use that hammer in other ways and on other targets. That relief would only be temporary, however, as there is always another five idiots ready to take the place of the one so tragically dispatched.
Ted - It's the lack of communication which really frosts me. I like good news, can take bad news, but despise no news.
Lenn - That is the absolute pits. Nevermind that the buyer is open to default if they do not provide closing funds on the agreed upon closing date (at least here that's true). Many buyers do not understand that they waive their financing protections by agreeing to a cash sale, and that the earnest money is essentially "hard" provided that the home passes inspection and the seller performs in full accordance with the contract. Naturally, most banks will agree to the change because they don't want to start all over, but folks need to understand the potential consequences to such abrupt departures from the written agreement. Bet you are excited about needing a few more weeks to close, too ;)
Kristin - I can hear you. I've got Verizon ;)
James - I could sit in both of those rooms. I've probably experienced more craziness in my dealings with buyers, but there is no shortage of comedy fodder on the listing side of the table either.
Beth - Until we secure the deal, but only have two weeks to close in accordance with the COE agreed upon in the offer originally submitted two weeks prior. Then you, the lender, get the frantic call to cobble together a loan in fourteen days for someone with low 600 credit, little down and a recent career change.
Lanette - That was my favorite, too ;)
You are a sick man and what is wrong with passing the time with a Flowbee?
Amanda - Yeah, that's right.
Gary - Sounds like you'll need to conserve your energy for those acceptances, so probably a better plan than mine.
Todd - Absolutely nothing. Nothing says fun like a Flowbee and a few days to kill.
Slaybaugh - If want to take a shortcut on compiling that list of defunct loan programs, I've got the entire list stored on three DVDs. It's kind of like watching some of those old Kung-Fu movies, brings out the Mystery Science Theater in a guy.
Sardi - I do enjoy trying to dub my own lines over the mouthed words, so I could see the potential in that. Why do I imagine the credits rolling at the end with titles such as "Loan Originator Key Grip," "Second Lienholder's Assistant Ankle-Grabber" and "Shady Purveyor of No-Doc Reverse Mortgage in Descending Market Guy?" I'm in. Put on the Orville Reddenbocker.
Paul - You are spot-on about the "overly muscled man" that the particular pop star has become at age 50. Pam pointed this out to me - creepy! As for Bobcat Goldthwaite, I can do a pretty decent impression circa 1986.
You are a humorously sick and twisted individual Paul.....please keep it up I love the randomness (is that a word?) of your humor! I have been in this situation before and the hammer appealed to me.
"REO is no speedwagon" ::groan:: Ok. I'm really laughing.
Are the dogs still hiding from the Flowbee?
Jason - My "Citizens On Patrol" Era Bobcat Goldthwait is uncanny, but 1986 Bobcat is only average.
Mandi - I am random, except when I am precise. I am always a moron, however ;)
Elaine - What dogs? We have two oversized ground moles and matching his and hers evening coats.
What a terrific post. I think next time I'll work with my buyers so their friends and family can all get in on a pool for when the signature will come back. At least it will make the waiting fun.
Paul - this is hilarious, I love the one about the overly muscled man . . .
Sherry - Will you name your bouncing baby boy "Libor?" Maybe "Derivative?"
For goodness sake man, this is the south! Want the poor kid to get beat up? We will just have to name him Shorty.
I am laughing pretty hard because although (by some miracle) I have thought of many things as outrageous as some of those mentioned here, (Well, except for "Author 50,000 tweets about your cat, Mr. Fuzzynuzzles." I know I am supposed to embrace this new thing but so far no good"...) I managed to keep them bouncing around in my head instead of actually carrying them out! I have had the good fortune to realize that "my mind has a mind of it's own" sometimes...and compensate for it!
Great post Paul, but I think maybe we should sell hammers after this post, every Realtor will want one. :)
All the best!