Attention Citizens,
In these uncertain times, we here at the Treasury Department fully understand the fear that is running rampant across the nation. Now that we have complete unfettered control of the financial markets, let us assuage those fears by announcing that we are hereby assuming all debt currently held in the United States. Repeat, we are assuming all debt.
As all of you are going out of business, everything must go!
Bought your house on a 1-Year ARM from the first random mortgage broker on the street to say “Psst?” We’ve got you covered. If you also financed the genuine Timex he sold you, send us the bill.
You see, we here at the “Department of Your Money” are giving it away! That’s right, we’re giving it away! Worried that there won’t be enough to cover the equity line you just tapped on your living room furniture? Relax, big guy! If we run out, we’ll print more! We’re the US freaking Treasury! We’ll do whatever we want!
Slow credit, no credit, even a bankruptcy? We want your debt!
Now, we know that some of you may be wondering: how is the government going to be able to bail out every single borrower in the United States? What, with the existing bailouts of major financial institutions that we cannot afford on top of a war that is being funded by our good friends in China, and all. We’re glad you asked.
It’s time to annex Canada.
Let’s be honest, we’ve all thought about it. It’s time we put those idyllic thoughts into comprehensive action. In doing so, we will kill two Mounties with one stone. For starters, we’re gonna need a hell of a lot more taxpayers if we are going to take on any more debt. Having already soaked our own constituents to the tune of holy crap, you dirty b@st@rds, there is untapped potential for taxation in our syrup loving brethren to the north. We’ve already scrambled a team of highly trained third graders with paper airplanes for the invasion.
This will also solve the health care crisis in this country. You will all be entitled to the universal health insurance you deserve. On Canada’s dime. Everyone currently uninsured or underinsured will have a sponsor from the 51st state. For the cost of a cup of coffee a day, okay maybe an iced soy latte, the sponsor will receive updates and photos of their adopted family’s medical progress. From routine checkups to annual colonoscopies, they will be there every step of the way. They will beam with pride when you send them the bill for your sixteenth teeth whitening of the month.
That’s step one.
Step two … we’ve solved the problem to illegal immigration in this country. We are taking Mexico, too.
For years, our brothers and sisters to the south have risked their lives in the sweltering desert heat for a chance at the American dream. It’s about time we met them halfway. They too can have a piece of our growing debt in return for citizenship.
Welcome to the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave! That will be one trillion dollars, please.
Don’t fret about having more mouths to feed. These new states will really be more like territories. We’ll bilk them of all natural resources, fill their coffers with worthless T-bills and give them Walmart cards. Of course, our new constituents will immediately begin to produce all of their goods in Kuala Lampur.
There will be layoffs. Nothing is concrete yet, but we’re thinking Rhode Island.
What we have here, folks, is a simple demand problem. People keep demanding their money, and we ain’t got it.
Time to bring aboard new suppliers.
In the meantime, start compiling all of your paperwork. We’ll absorb the small business loan you took out for the stripper pole in the basement as well as the 6k that you racked up on the AMEX in stamps on the angry letters to your Senator.
Shoot, we’ll even extend you new lines if you need them to get you back on your feet! Can we interest you in a no-doc, 100% negative am program?
Don’t look at us.
It was Greenspan.
Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.
Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!
Paul this is fabulous! You pretty pony you.
Great read Paul! Thanks for the insights...
That's great...I'm thinking of immigrating to Canada if things don't improve. But maybe I have to go further afield.
Hell, if you'll finance the stripper pole in the basement, I'm on board.
And if we need more, why not head to Cuba next???? They aren't that far away..
Laughing on the outside, grieving on the inside. On a serious note, Paul, I have a question?
If a home is in foreclosure or short sale status, will he lender take funds to clear themselves, then put it back on the market at a lower price to dump from their inventory, as they don't really want the house just the mortgage money back.
I'm sorry, this may be stupid to you, but I am confused.
It appears we don't need to worry about the redistribution of wealth, we already have the redistribution of debt.
And I figured they would just buy a few more printing presses. Annexation might be more complicated and expensive, so I'm sure that's the way they'll go!
Nothing is more efficient than elected officials applying band-aid after band-aid to a gunshot wound. Each wants to be able to say that they did their part to triage the situation, but no one wants to reach in and tie off the artery. It's too messy.
Paul....we all are feeling the pinch...humor with a cutting edge is effective at describing how we feel. I just reblogged two of Matt Heaton's posts to my local area. I don't know what else to do....pray for destruction of the world and a new start....I'm sick of the greed and power that has been abused. More of the same.....by the same people.....where is there hope in that. I should try humor....it's a better method of dealing with this!
Quick! apply a tourniquet to the gunshot wound to the neck! I am just now finishing your novelette and it's been so enjoyable that I do not want it to end HOWEVER, if you keep adding to the weekly discussion in such a thought provokong manner, I do not think I will suffer any sever withdrawal symptoms...thanks
Quick! Apply a tourniquet to the gunshot wound to the neck! I am just now finishing your novelette and it's been so enjoyable that I do not want it to end HOWEVER, if you keep adding to the weekly discussion in such a thought provokong manner, I do not think I will suffer any sever withdrawal symptoms...thanks
OMG I am ROFMAO then I will take a moment to be sad about the pitiful state of our economy. Thanks for the lightharted view but I think we need to take back all the $ the departing CEOs milked from the failing companies and that will enough to keep us going for a while.
Happy Monday, Paul. My theme for the day is this little earworm....
Holy crap. Thanks a lot Elaine.
Paddy - It wouldn't even fill my gas tank for a month, but I'd love to strip those millions from the drunken CEOs who drove their respective Valdez's into icebergs. More to the point, I'd love to get into the pockets of those who paved the way for it. Time to shake a few lawmakers upside down for loose change. I expect the heads of industry to behave in such unseemly manners to artificially boost revenue, but I expect our government to keep them in check, rather than pulling out the regulatory power to do so. Still want to give these titans of industry tax breaks to create more domestic jobs? Why not? They obviously have our best interests at heart, and definitely wouldn't continue to ship those same jobs overseas while pocketing the savings. Trickle down my foot.
Good morning, Elaine. Just look at all of those good little CEOs tucked safely above the fray!
How did I miss this post?
It was a hell of a party. I think I'll just go bury my head in the sand until the hangover ends.
The WSJ had a little snippet today about how the finance companies for CARS are lobbying to be included in the bail out. Hmm. Maybe now's a perfect time for that top of the line BMW- if they're getting bailed out, may as well contribute to the loss (and have a great set of wheels).
Laurie (Options Realty), that's exactly what I am betting on. My lease just ended on my BMW and I've decided to patiently wait for a screaming deal before I get another one. Hope you and the WSJ are right.
Paul - Sounds like a plan. I'm in. Why stop at Canada and Mexico?
Let's grab Alaska too!
Wait, that is already a state. Nevermind. I am still in, though.
Paul, I'm not sure how I missed this one, but it is pure genius. You are so funny and so on target. I love it! When clients and neighbors ask me what I think about the bailout, I tell them I try not to think about it at all. It's too damn scary and it's so much nicer in my little bubble. Hey, it worked to get me through my childhood, it should work now too! By the way, how did you know about the pole? Great job! xxoo
Great letter from our government morons at the Fed!
I would be laughing at Mike........if it wasn't so true! Maybe I'll cry instead?
I'm in on the Pole in the basement but can the cost of the funeral for that Lovely dancer be covered?
We have some nice photos.
She was Canadian after all.