On the Island of Oncewas, there lived but one scamp.
One strangely stoic, scoundrelous scamp.
There used to be more, there used to be four.
There used to be four and eight thousand four more on this shore.
So many scamps scamping are hard to ignore.
But there was no need for eight thousand and eight.
Scamps all sold houses, and Oncewas lacked real estate.
So ten left, then twenty. Then a hundred and two.
Then three thousand and sixty, and their brothers, too.
Until all had gone except Scampy Magoo,
Who continued his scamping, though there was no scamping to do.
Letters rolled in each day with the tide,
Tales from ex-scamps in their travels far and wide.
One read, “Not enough kitchens, and too many cooks!”
Another, “Too many librarians to put away two books!”
“I used to scamp houses, now I can’t scamp my blood!”
“Why, they wouldn’t hire dirt and water to make mud!”
And what did he do, old Scampy Magoo?
He sent back his very own note or two.
“Act now, you scamps, the time has never been better!”
“The sun is brighter and the sea is wetter!”
“The ship is afloat, so come on back all you mice!”
And, “Buy your old plot for 2/5ths the price!”
He planted his sign and bided his time.
The scamps first returned in drabs and in drips.
One, two, then an armada of ships.
“Sign on the line,” said Scampy Magoo,
“No need to read it all the way through.”
“Just legal jargon that’s neither here nor there.”
“It’s the deal of a lifetime, I certainly swear.”
They took turns handing over their very last dimes,
Until at last Scampy reached the end of the line.
He tipped his hat, bowed deeply and thanked one and all,
And took his leave as there were more ports to call.
With a spring in his step and a twinkle in his eye,
His shrill voice once carried over the blood red sky.
“Oncewas is all over, I’m sorry to say,
But follow me to Willbe where a scamp can scamp and play.
The prices are low and the mangoes are sweet,
There’s a loan for every pulse ...
And an ass for every seat.”
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Paul ~ How creative are you! That was great. I enjoyed the tongue in cheek analogy.
"Just legal jargon that's neither here nor there."
Oh man...I love this! and the rest of the post too! Thank YOU, I am feeling a bit surly this afternoon and have only been able to leave the occassional snarky smart ass remark for the 25 point fix but this one made my day GRACIAS! Oh wait...I really meant thanks!
"And an ass for every seat."
Dawn - Glad you enjoyed it. Just having a goof.
Russell - I thought I saw you doing some hit and run on the feature board. No worries, I've been dropping off sarcasm like fruitcakes at Christmas as well. Seems to be a rash of pretentiousness around here lately, does there not? Anyhow, glad I could do my part to get you smiling today.
Now my head will churn on this. I was mentally reciting bits from "Oh the Places You'll Go" with all the graduation parties around this weekend. Truly sentimental for me as my babies get ready to leave the nest (and no I'm not pushing...really).
But the pretentiousness? Really? Here? Want to help write a blood oath to the profession with me? I have four or five versions of Arthurian legends we could use as a basis for Round Table type Olde Englishe oaths of fealty.
Please keep writing....air freshener is always welcome.
That was a genuine treat Paul - thank you for taking the time to create it. Are you a member of iclipart.com? I am addicted to their images and imagery would add a lot to this wonderful tale.
I'm glad I subscribe to your blog!
That would be grand, Leslie. I'll collect Excalibur from the dead lady in the pond while you gather the vassals.
Vic - Don't belong to Iclipart.com, but I appreciate the suggestion.
Lenza - Not much of a flautist, I opt for the harp; and gain early entry into Country Club AARP.
"It's a good time to buy" the scamp would say
Buy a house! Buy a house! Follow me, this way.
Bad credit? Bankruptcy? Have nothing to fear
"Complex-loans" are the latest thing I hear.
Uh...oh...I feel a knock off coming on :)
In my 20s as a marketing manager I named a software project Excalibur without understanding the full story. Ouch. That product ended up in the Lake too. I just reread the Once and Future King which is brilliant in it's sweetness and sadness, thus the Arthurian reference. But how about I feed you snarky ideas and you be the writer? You clearly have the gift.
Melina - I dare ya ;)
Leslie - That is tragically hysterical. Akin to the programmers opting for the more apt "Hindenburg" than the "Windows Vista" moniker that was eventually used. I love the Once and Future King. Haven't read it in ages, but might need to pick it up again now. And you are certainly welcome to bring on the snarky. Highly revered quality in these parts. ;)
Leslie,
You are pretty new to AR so the rules are pretty simple. We never tell Paul that he has a gift. His head will blow up into a giant balloon and explode, thereby ending our entertainment. As such, only snarky remarks can be directed at Paul, and when possible we gang up on him further eroding any self-esteem that he may have. This keeps him trapped in writing content for AR, never realizing his full potential and leaving the site, like other writers...say from New Jersey who nuke their blogs...and leave us without our entertainment.
So remember...we don't say nice things about Paul.
Disclaimer: For those members with no sense of humor...I am of course joking.
Where's Mangiggly when I need her?
A scamp is a scamp but when it comes to the NAR couldn't the good Doctor have used something more appropiate such as Tramp? Why demeen Scamps.
Ah, but therein lies the paradox, Cameron. We are the tramp and he is us. Allow me to use your comment to expand and make a broader point.
I like to poke fun at the nonsensical decrees from the NAR ivory tower from time to time, but it comes down to one guy (or gal) doing one job for one client. The mob mentality that pits NAR at the root of the industry's credibility problem is all too convenient. No need for credos if we each just do our jobs. I could care less what my clients think about the industry at large, Lawrence Yun is not going to sell them a house. I do care what they think about me, however. No higher calling, no pie in the sky aims for egalitarian revolution, just the self-serving notion that a professionally comported transaction will beget future business. Maybe not as noble as some new-agey oath designed to uplift an entire industry, but I'm just a guy on the street trying to feed my family.
Well apparently the plane landed and I totally missed it. Duh!!!!!!!!!!!
When it comes to the NAR my blood pressure rises and they don't have a clue as to what we actually go through in our business. NAR doesn't know me but my clients do and as you said that is what matters.
Nah, this one was more of a lark than an op-ed, Cameron. An equal opportunity lampooning of the industry at large and the guy on the ground. ;)
Meline, I am a lifelong rule breaker so you'll just have to throw me out or learn to live with me! Sorry, I will gratuitously encourage Paul now that I have found him. Can I hang out with you guys so I don't have to take the oath?
Leslie,
We have the Mean Girls Oath. But numbers 1-10 are pick on Slaybaugh and Lenza. That's pretty much the whole oath though. We like to keep things simple ;-D
Doh...I just realized you are in St. Charles. I grew up in DeKalb. :)
Above said I can't tell you I read it twice. I didn't smirk, either.
OMG, they're multiplying. I knew I shouldn't have thrown Melina in that pond, let alone fed her after midnight.
Goodness, Paul, now poetry too? you really should write a tome, your talent is wasted selling a home...
Cracking up at you and Cameron, Lenza & Melina!
Ok...Sunday is definitely starting out well and how nice to see this on the "front page", yeah I have still not kicked the print habit ;-D
Do we have a new Mean Girl? Who will administer the oath? And someone keep Mangiggly busy...Leslie has given Paul enough accolades to last for the rest of the year.
Wow. a poet and an Arizona agent. What are your other talents? Very creative!
Oh so clever!! It almost seems like you were sober when you wrote it.....JUST KIDDING. Can never go wrong with the logic of Dr. Seuss.
William - Touche, good sir.
Russell - That group tends to keep a thread in stitches. In Melina's case, that's usually because she just dropped a piano on some innocent's head.
Lisa - You leave our new friend be.
Melissa - I do a mean macarena.
Karen - Libations count as suitable "creative juices" in the land of Ad-lib. ;)
Nice post.
Sweet!
Can't find Wilbe on google maps. Need to tie up that market quick...
Slaybaugh - I'm not entirely sure your talent is wasted on selling homes (especially considering it is a family business, per se and I'd come to you if moving to Scottsdale, myself) yet your wit and writing is something to behold. While my ego considers you competition, my heart smiles because you're here. And my soul appreciates that I'm not totally alone.
As far as Mr. Seuss, I hear the West is the Best.
Dear Melina & My Twin,
If Mangiggly can't be a Mean Girl cuz of all her talk of Paul's dimples, then Leslie can't either. Leslie has blatantly stated that she will keep up her complimentary encouragement of Paul, and that is simply unacceptable. We all know the consequences of such actions would be apocalyptic and irreversable. Although, it may be fun to watch..... but I digress.
I demand to see more snark thrown by said candidate in Paul's direction before said candidate is considered for Mean Girl status.
I meant what I said and I said what I meant.
Without a sense of humor, life and certainly this career, would be very boring. Thanks for the post and sharing your humor and putting a smile on many faces.
Hmmm, after reading the comments, I don't know if I should tell you I smiled through the whole thing or post some sarcastic tongue in cheek comment to keep you here and writing! ;-)
BBBBBBAAAAAAHHHH! That was great.
I have been a bit snarky myself lately and this probably WILL MAKE ME WORSE!
Thanks!
Bunch of savages. Okay, here we go.
Sheila - Nice comment. ;)
Jeanne - Willbe is not on your map? I will gladly you sell you mine for the one day only price of your dignity.
Sardi - The longer I try my hand at this stuff, the more I realize there is no real competition other than that which we internalize. You become mildly proficient at the craft and then it comes down to perspectives and content. Every one of us has something unique to impart. As such, there is room enough for all. Besides, I still haven't heard back from the resumes I sent to all of the local Allentown rags. ;)
Hanson - Stop being you for two seconds, would ya?
Lynda - More than happy to oblige. Thanks for reading.
Tamara - Either will suffice. Contrary to what the circling jackals will tell you, my ego cannot possibly grow any larger. ;)
Jenna - "What the world needs now, is snark, sweet snark ..."
"Contrary to what the circling jackals will tell you, my ego cannot possibly grow any larger..."
Mean description for the Mean Girls??? I've known people that I thought their egos couldn't get any bigger and they always managed to find a way....
hmmm, what's a girl to do? I'll have to give some thought to my approach!
We have a symbiotic sorta spiteful co-dependence, Tamara. They fill their bellies while cleaning my gills.
<ducking from the inevitable shoe salvo from New Orleans>
E I agree. I think to counter balance Leslie we might have to increase our mean efforts. Can't have too many kudos heading Paul's way as it might bring on armageddon.
Leslie did leave a snarky comment on Jon's post so I know she has it in her. She just needs to direct that snarkiness in the right direction.
Melina - We are here to help realize potential. A fine example of "how to make Paul's day" can be found here.
Ooooh, the visual that created..... Not exactly the Sunday morning image I would have chosen!
Life would be as grey as the day it is here in Montreal today, if it weren't for the likes of all of you - scamps, tramps and all. (And I SWEAR I did not intend that sloppy rhyming.) Mean girls unite, against poets alike. (Oh good Lord, somebody help me.)
Oh, and the graphic says, "sugarberry." Once again, awfully close to dingleberry.
Paul, you have way too much time on your hands! I love it!
Well once again it appears the Ladies are picking on you Paul. A couple of Sparklers and they never let it be forgotten.
E Paul has many favorites. I know he wakes up every morning listening to these guys. Can't get enough of them. Maybe we should make him a CD of his favs and play them over and over again.
Hi Paul, This is just too cool ! I am indeed envious of your considerable creative talent !
Wow! I can be here all day reading this thread.
thanks Paul for the entertaining, literary stimulating post.
I got nothing but praise for this here scribe
My pentameter sucks, but my tits were once nice
All the scamps in Oncewas can't compete with a tramp
If a tramp can bribe scribe to compose I Love Lamp
PS: is this thing featured and public?
Yes, Inna. The world is now in on your mammarian secrets. ;)
Ooops, shit guys, my mammarian reference was nothing but a lazy rhyme, i swear:-)
"I could care less what my clients think about the industry at large..." Brilliant, Paul. As impressed as I am with the writing, this blew me away. Hope you don't mind if I print that line out and pin it to my wall.
Inna - Zipping my lip. Absolutely nothing I can say that won't land me in a whole heap of trouble. ;)
Eric - If that's what it takes to see my name in print, have at it.
Wow Paul you put a nice little piece and it turns into a little exhibitionism. Nice.
lol, very nice Paul... you are one talented dude.
Good time to pop in for a little juvenile poetry, Greg. There is some serious arson going on in that comment thread of yours.
That shoe get there yet?
"Oncewas is all over, I'm sorry to say". That line just about says it all. That Oncewas is all over can be good news or bad news, depending. I Oncewas younger. I Oncewas less wise. I Oncewas thinner... trying to find a high point for not being as thin... bad example. lol! Great post Paul. I didn't see this yesterday.
Finally, a nice girl in this mean girl shark tank.
You guys are having too much fun. Nice way to wind down the week. Paul, please continue to entertain us. You have to have a sense of humor to survive this world. Thank you.
It has already been established that Susan is not mean girl material. However, her perky, happy support of you holds no weight with those who have taken the oath.
Paul! I was just in the process of getting my first mean girl badge today and you go and point out that I'm nice. Damn it. Girls, I'm sorry, I will try to do better.
Susan, I think you might just earn your badge if you sacrifice your one remaining black slingback hurled forcefully in the direction of AZ.
That was a riot and I will reblog it. Very funny as the say on TBS.
The hell you say............
Brilliance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear that I have just plumb enjoyed this ride. Paul.................you shine. The work is def. You have killed it..........you have jumped the conga line here.
Truth..........you write, I read.............I am humbled.
and I still get to pass go and pick up my $200
Thanks for sharing....
oh and just for you...my new battle cry.............FREE ARIZONA!!!!
Susan a voodoo doll works too.
Well, the slingback is on it's way, however, I don't know how I'm going to show houses with no shoes. Geez. You guys are a tough bunch. Melina, does the voo doo doll have to have dimples to work?
Wow, I went out to work today and came back to more threads than I can count...how many conversations are here?...the multi-dimensional tapestry certainly has woven new layers. Interesting how so many of our final judgments come down to whether we are a mean girl or a nice girl....who knew middle school could get played out by adults in an industry forum. So who wants to go hang out in the back lot?
I should have warned you in advance, Leslie. There is a certain devolution that tends to occur in my comment streams. I suppose the common denominator would be the one who starts the mess in the first place, but I fall on the sword of innocence. It's the hooligans in our midst.
JMac - Thank you, my friend. As to your new slogan, when do you start printing the bumper stickers? I am ready to dispense them with impunity.
Devolution is a word? Maybe denigration? Meline, you're from DeKalb, and you ended up in Oregon, which is so beautiful..how clever of you, I'm jealous. I grew up in Mill Valley, CA and somehow now live in St. Charles. Life happens when you're not paying attention. As an uncontrollable chatter notes are my thing!
That was GREAT!
Thanks for this great and brilliant post. I can now start my week with a twinkle in my eye.
Forget the rants and raves, the market reports, the how-to posts, the how-not-to posts, the braggers, the complainers and the mutual admiration societies...This is one of the best things I've ever read on AR, bar none! If you listen really closely, you might hear the sound of applause! Maybe we should all start formatting our posts this way...
BTW, do you mean Dr. Seuss DOESN'T work for NAR???
Ah shoot, guys, you make me blush. Thanks for humoring an under the weather blogger with too much spare time on his hands over the weekend. ;)
Paul that was great, you scamp.
Ummm ... there's a mean girls club? I don't know why I'm asking, because I'm never, never mean!
Don't be fooled, Joetta. This motley crew (variegated in all but evident disdain for yours truly) is about as mean as a poodle with a mohawk.
Thank you getting this out to us today. I enjoyed it.
Patricia/Seacoast NH
I heard that, P.
I heard that too. I'm as mean as a rainbow colored poodle...no mohawks for me ;-D
Hmmm...this was okay...I guess.
Did Inna call me a lamp loving tramp?
Did she? I got stuck about halfway through that comment. ;)
Mandy - I may have... :-)
Just read your human popsicle post and it was so good, I just cackled like some deranged hen ( really?) and thoroughly enjoyed the whole thing. Thanks!
Thank you for both visits, Russell. It's not a thread until you chime in.
Oh, I'm just giggling and had to read it to my husband. It has to be fun to be creative like this.