We are ruining the internet.
It started out nobly enough, the bombastic notion of connecting people and ideas from the world over through a universal medium. Free exchange of knowledge and collective experience from the privacy of one's own ... whatever. Who needs a card catalog? No Dewey Decimal System is required to type a few words into a search bar. Better yet, why read the revolutionary book about animal platelet mapping by Dr. Luther Von Udderstein when you can instant message the good doctor directly?
In the past decade, I have visited foreign lands without once boarding a plane or getting painful vaccinations to ward against African Weeping Sickness. I have talked smack to semi-literate Muay Thai boxers in Bangkok and pledged my undying love to USER546798 on a Mickey Rourke For President message board forum. If life is a carnival, the Web is a 24/7 pie-eating contest featuring FATLADYXXL, SADCLOWN68, TINYDANCER and, of course, you.
As with any freakshow, there are freaks. Urchins, dungeon masters, trolls ... all have crashed the virtual masquerade ball. Emboldened by the anonymity they have always craved IRL (in real life), they refuse to be sequestered any longer. Though the troll's IP Address may, in actuality, be assigned as "Under The Bridge," he/she is free to mingle with the invited guests when online. The ankle bracelet doesn't register trespasses of the ethereal variety.
Therein lies the beauty of the online world. All are not inherently equal, but are afforded equal voice. Crazy Uncle Carl who shows up drunk to family reunions when he shows up at all. The otolaryngologist currently doing missionary work in South America for indigent children with cleft palates. The high school kid with a 2.7 GPA and high score on World of Warcraft. The prince. The pauper.
All are given the same mask at the door. It is humanity at its very essence. Crazy reveals itself just as quickly as beauty. Stunning intellect and brutal stupidity can only remain hidden for so long. A natural sort of selection theoretically imposes itself upon these binary Galapagos Islands. The crazies eventually slink away to snipe from their water towers, leaving those more deserving of attention alone in its phosphorescent glow. It's not Utopia, but it's real.
All went along imperfectly perfect. And then the spammers came. Those entrepreneurial types who learned that faceless and nameless was the perfect level of identification for peddling their snake oil to the masses. Much like the meat product by the same name was designed to fill bellies at a budget price, servers have become clogged with artery choking transsaturated, mental fats. Sure, we push away from the table full, but what have we really given our bodies to grow? What nourishment is derived from the E.D. banner ads that clutter our sidebars? What building blocks are found within the email come-ons to collect our winnings from the Nigerian lotto by simply supplying a social security number and the pancreas of our first-born?
We all hate fluff. We hate clutter. We hate reading 500 pages to find the 500 words that we want. We hate being informed that we might already be winners when all we really want is to find real contact from a real human.
Enter the Realtor.
Much as we loathe the garbage that is heaped upon us, we stuff forums and social media sites with enough of our own to choke a standard poodle (something there is undoubtedly 2478 sites already devoted to). Know the quickest way to kill a revolutionary new network for connecting family and friends? Tell a Realtor. We'll hit you upside the avatar with link after groan inducing link to our "Brand New Listing," or "Joke of the Day!" We'll blast you with proclamations that we are the greatest practitioners in all the land, and then we'll blast you with the hyperbolic data to semi-prove it. Ignored it the first time? No worries, we'll re-Tweet it. Foolish enough to list your place of residence in your profile? We'll find you via reverse searches and other such Jedi mind tricks. We'll friend you. We'll follow you. We'll subscribe to you. We are the Borg, and we want to sell you a house. Truth be told, we'll settle for your fawning attention.
And we'll waste your time with damn fool content like this here.
Somewhere, there is that article you were searching for about "Scottsdale otolaryngologists," but the groundbreaking doctor with more alphabet soup designations next to his name than consonants in the Polish dictionary doesn't have the Google juice that I do.
I'll gladly refer you and your jacked up cranium to a reputable specialist for a minimal finder's fee, however.
Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.
Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!
Binary Galapagos Islands? LMAO!!!
Run away! Run away!
IRL = In Real Life
Good to know.
P.S. I just ReTweeted this. :)
Elaine - 000001000011000111001111011111
Hi Amanda :)
Hey! Nobody talks to me like that!
Wait a minute...did you really ask what nourishment is derived from the ED banner in the sidebar?
Sorry Elaine, sometimes the robot just won't behave.
Amanda ... I will neither confirm nor deny ...
Paul ~ Okay, I'm following you on Twitter now AND I'm forwarding all my E.D. e-mails onto you in the future, since I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do with them.
Super duper, Kathy. I'm still waiting to hear of the first 74 year old to OD on ED medication. It would be the first case on record of rigor mortis as the actual cause of death.
Paul, you crack me up. Seriously. If I follow you on twitter, will that mean I am stalking you? Gee, I hope so!
Susan, stalk away, you wacky gal. I just got a cease and desist from the Western Hemisphere.
Paul, I am assuming we are just going to pretend that the cease and desist order is a fake, right?
The Eastern Hemisphere's is just taking longer because of the time difference.
Well written essay, Paul! Ironically, the ease with which we could initially find internet information without having to know the Dewey Decimal System has been overtaken with weeds and overgowth (otherwise known as spam)...
The Eastern Hemisphere still has me at the old address. Suckers.
Very true, Brian. Truth be told, a little Roundup could be sprayed on our profession as we are often hypocritical in our protestation.
I came here from Elaine's tweet because, never having met her IRL, I follow her blindly wherever she may lead.
And don't even try to block me or unfriend me regardless of my spam output--I know where you live Slaybaugh.
I would never, Kathleen. The Buckley doesn't stop here ;)
@kvbuckley ROCKS!
Paul: I think that the Borg are going to beam over and take you away. LOL
See why I like her so much? @ElaineHanson is the best and brings out the best in everyone, even @PaulSlaybaugh. She can spam me until the internet goes bankrupt.
I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Just a little?
Okay, so my mouth took a bile bath. Happy?
I'd be even happier with a more detailed description. Was the bile spammish-tasting at all?
Actually, it tastes more like herring.
A $0 gift card to my eternal amusement for whomever gets the reference.
Hi Paul, I loved this and it is s well written and really gets to the heart of it. "damn fool content like this here". Hardly. I think this really expresses the whole of web 2.0 and our world. With is a bit strange is that even with the high number of REALTORS on-line. I would bet there are at least as many that aren't? What must they be thinking?
Resistance is futile...
Hi William. I poke fun at Realtors simpy because it is the ocean I swim in and experience first hand. To some extent, I think just about every single one of us dillutes the content stream of this mighty virtual Missippi. Too many tributaries. In theory, all of the extraneous crapola should add to the current, but it tends to drown the good stuff IMO. Every kid with a webcam. Every nutjob who documents a suicide attempt. Every purveyor of goods and services. To a certain extent, we all crowd out those who actually have something worth sharing as we elbow our way into the collective conversation. My apologies to anyone who stumbled upon this bit of clutter when they really should be following the tweets of the Dalai Lama (not that one, the real one). As a virtual litterbug, I'm as guilty as anyone else.
Oddly enough, Melina, Borg speak becomes you.
What a maratini borgtini this was for my brain! Wonderfull! I just love pulling up a barstool to your blog...You're the best perspective in town. Cheers Paul!
Always nice when you pull up a stool, Mara. If we are to defile these environs with solicitation, we might as well do so in good company ;)
Oddly enough Paul, I think I like speaking borg...
Do borg get to cuss? Not sure I can give that up...may have to rethink assimilation...
Futilely resisting urge to cite profane Borg utterances ... must ... be ... strong ...
I can be an internet borg...
"STFU. Prepare to be assimilated " I could text people...it works ;)
Oh, hell... the comments are damn near as funny as the post. You sir are a freakin' riot.
Paul, you have distilled the internet down to it's essence! "Crazy reveals itself just as quickly as beauty. Stunning intellect and brutal stupidity can only remain hidden for so long." pretty much says it for me! I am laughing along with all of the comments too!
BTW I 've heard recently that with everything on the net, porn still rules and drives the whole thing and I cannot tell you how difficult it is to try and type with one hand!
ROTFLMAO!!! Well, with this last comment from Russell, this post has sunk from borderline okay to be a public post to definitely should be members only!! Lol!! But I will say that Paul, you do stun me with your intellect, every time you write. Dimples or no, you are way more than a pretty face with a sense of humor. You are one smart cookie too! (now it's Elaine's turn to throw up a little in her mouth)!! Sorry girls, but I call them as I see them!
UH-OH...now I remember WHY I truly need coffee before I write any comments...especially on Paul's blog!
No worries, gang. It is my firm belief that the general public has more of a sense of humor than for which we tip-toeing Realtors often give credit. No one's hair will catch fire because Russell made a funny. Well, maybe one or two, but what's a little spontaneous combustion amongst friends?
And Susan ... Elaine is drinking a quart of pool acid after reading that comment, but thank you nonetheless ;)
Jesse, good to see you, my man. How's the bear wrestling this time of year?
Melina, now that's funny!
... now this is really wierd...
... I have been searching for a "Scottsdale otolaryngologist" all day ...
Gak! Feel the burn.
Melina - when you cuss, we all cuss. And text that little bit to Susan One Shoe.
Jesse! Cheers!
Russell F. Lewis - Amanda says Hi
Paul - I just want to use somebody and your blog is easy.
How ya doin over there, Russell?
I think there is nutritional value in spam.
Amanda F. Hall, ladies & gents.
Was that masked man Lenza?? Although I think Lisa H is the one who calls me Susan One Shoe!!
Susan what is your phone number...I have a message to send to you...
Hi Melina!!! My number is 1-800-CALL-4FUN. I'll let you know when I get the text! xxoo
LOL @ Melina! Everyone grab a bucket ... it's shenanigans!
Susan! Did you know that when you click on a link in facebook to come here, you aren't logged in when you get here? I shouldn't have clicked on a link posted by the Borg.
Do I have to say hi all over again?
I thoughts it was Shovels for Shenanigans - or Swiffers for Shenanigans?
Susan glad to see you gave up the "other number" 1-800-Pimp-Me9.
Well, today it's buckets. Wouldn't really be shenanigans if we were to always adhere to strict protocol, now would it?
Parked.
Will y'all please wipe down your keyboards before you submit comments? I don't wanna catch Swine Flu...
Buckets it is. Could be useful when someone's hair does catch on fire. Sounds quite likely at this point.
See look at that chica above me - hair on fire!
I'm going for tequila flu myself...
800 #'s are so 2008...y'all need hashtags.
#shenanigans #amandaFhall
#STFU
Winner winner, chicken dinner.
If an internet lead evaporates in the cyberforest when no one is around, does your wallet shed silent tears of regret?
#careersuicide
#Pauliscrazy #Pauliscrazyanddangerous #someoneputPaulonawatchlist #notmyturntowatchhim
#AnswerAmanda'sQuestions
#nowayjose
That must be a good question you are asking Amanda...
Speak up Amanda and who is jose?
Amanda if Paul won't answer, I'll come up with something. What's the question?
See Comment #7...I just wanted to know if he really questioned the nutritional value of ED remedies in the banner ads. That's all.
#amandaFhalliscrazy #amandafhalliscrazyanddangerous #amandafhallisalreadyonawatchlist
#amandahallisinchargeofthewatchlist
Strange, but that makes me feel better.
I watch one TV show and all hell breaks loose over hear. Hi Elaine. No I didn't know that. When I click over from facebook, I am usally already signed in to active rain. I rarely bother to sign off, so I never have to sign on.
Melina, I had to get rid of that telephone number, people were misunderstanding my services.
Good night all! Sleep tight!
NO SUSAN!!! DON'T GO!!
I'm still up... for now!
Girl! I miss you! You must come out here in November. SERIOUSLY! And bring C!
What's going on in November?? I would love to meet you in person!
Any hope of any of you coming to Philadelphia for REbar on 5/28?? Paul... I'll let you borrow my shovel.. they're funny about that kind of stuff on planes these days.
The 17th annual NAR tailgate party. Amanda's in charge.
That sounds like something not to be missed!! My family has a thing about letting me out of their sight for overnights!! I'm embarrasses to admit that I've never been to CA except to land in LA and get on a cruise ship. Never been anywhere in the states except Florida, New Jersey, New York, Raleigh, NC and Washington DC. Oh, and Baltimore Harbor once!! I simply must get out more!!
Now I really am going to bed. I have to drive to pick get my college boy tomorrow and lug all of his stuff home! Goodnight!! xxoo
Did I just miss Mangiggly again? Damn.
She's elusive, that one.
Hi Twin! How's NOLA today? Paul is nuts, Amanda is on fire. Melina is the Borg. Same old same old.
17th Annual NAR Tailgate? That's what it has come to? Gonna need more sponsors.
Did R F Shaw ever show up around here?
I think he's busy setting up a blog of love letters.
R F Shaw showed up, but I wasn't happy, so I fired him.
Anything going on over here?
Just finishing up these pantomime exercises, Susan. Hence the silent welcome ;)
Paul,
I read this post and wondered what you had for breakfast. :)
I especially was taken with Comment #64 by Amanda Hall. :0
Mike in Tucson
Let this be a lesson to me. The email notification of new comments to this post hit my email and when someone respectable like Mike Jones mentions a long forgotten comment you've made, you get a little paranoid and rush right over to see what you've done...that time.
From now on, I am will behave at AR. Thanks, Mike.
If Amanda Hall is going to behave on AR, life just doesn't seem worth living. Say it ain't so Lucy! Or was that just you, typing in invisible font.