Attention Citizens,
In these uncertain times, we here at the Treasury Department fully understand the fear that is running rampant across the nation. Now that we have complete unfettered control of the financial markets, let us assuage those fears by announcing that we are hereby assuming all debt currently held in the United States. Repeat, we are assuming all debt.
As all of you are going out of business, everything must go!
Bought your house on a 1-Year ARM from the first random mortgage broker on the street to say “Psst?” We’ve got you covered. If you also financed the genuine Timex he sold you, send us the bill.
You see, we here at the “Department of Your Money” are giving it away! That’s right, we’re giving it away! Worried that there won’t be enough to cover the equity line you just tapped on your living room furniture? Relax, big guy! If we run out, we’ll print more! We’re the US freaking Treasury! We’ll do whatever we want!
Slow credit, no credit, even a bankruptcy? We want your debt!
Now, we know that some of you may be wondering: how is the government going to be able to bail out every single borrower in the United States? What, with the existing bailouts of major financial institutions that we cannot afford on top of a war that is being funded by our good friends in China, and all. We’re glad you asked.
It’s time to annex Canada.
Let’s be honest, we’ve all thought about it. It’s time we put those idyllic thoughts into comprehensive action. In doing so, we will kill two Mounties with one stone. For starters, we’re gonna need a hell of a lot more taxpayers if we are going to take on any more debt. Having already soaked our own constituents to the tune of holy crap, you dirty b@st@rds, there is untapped potential for taxation in our syrup loving brethren to the north. We’ve already scrambled a team of highly trained third graders with paper airplanes for the invasion.
This will also solve the health care crisis in this country. You will all be entitled to the universal health insurance you deserve. On Canada’s dime. Everyone currently uninsured or underinsured will have a sponsor from the 51st state. For the cost of a cup of coffee a day, okay maybe an iced soy latte, the sponsor will receive updates and photos of their adopted family’s medical progress. From routine checkups to annual colonoscopies, they will be there every step of the way. They will beam with pride when you send them the bill for your sixteenth teeth whitening of the month.
That’s step one.
Step two … we’ve solved the problem to illegal immigration in this country. We are taking Mexico, too.
For years, our brothers and sisters to the south have risked their lives in the sweltering desert heat for a chance at the American dream. It’s about time we met them halfway. They too can have a piece of our growing debt in return for citizenship.
Welcome to the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave! That will be one trillion dollars, please.
Don’t fret about having more mouths to feed. These new states will really be more like territories. We’ll bilk them of all natural resources, fill their coffers with worthless T-bills and give them Walmart cards. Of course, our new constituents will immediately begin to produce all of their goods in Kuala Lampur.
There will be layoffs. Nothing is concrete yet, but we’re thinking Rhode Island.
What we have here, folks, is a simple demand problem. People keep demanding their money, and we ain’t got it.
Time to bring aboard new suppliers.
In the meantime, start compiling all of your paperwork. We’ll absorb the small business loan you took out for the stripper pole in the basement as well as the 6k that you racked up on the AMEX in stamps on the angry letters to your Senator.
Shoot, we’ll even extend you new lines if you need them to get you back on your feet! Can we interest you in a no-doc, 100% negative am program?
Don’t look at us.
It was Greenspan.
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